The unintended consequences of love

We're a team. And as a team, we're stronger together. 

The best teams become more than the sum of their parts. The best relationships become more than the two individuals who are part of it. When we're able to cover for each other's weaknesses and to elevate each other's strengths, we co-elevate.

But what if that tendency to cover for each other has unintended consequences? What if it both accidentally creates a power dynamic that makes it hard to truly be a team and simultaneously creates a dependency that impairs one partner's ability to take care of themselves, should they ever need to?

Power is intrinsic to all relationships, whether at work or at home. We don't talk enough about power. Power comes with the fact that when people need each other, have expectations from each other. Power over you can be oppressive, can be dominant, can be exploitative. But power too can be generative, can be inviting, can be active, and collaborative. - Esther Perel

I've personally talked to hundreds of couples through building Plenty with my husband. I've also talked to relationship therapists like Esther Perel, Megan McCoy, and countless others. Today's blog post is dedicated to exploring what happens when you take divide-and-conquer too far in money, and the unintended consequences that act of love can have.

We'll discuss: 

• The psychology behind polarization

• Why it leads to divide-and-conquer in love and money

• The accidental power dyamics it creates

• The consequences over time for couples

• How to break the cycle

• The benefits of staying involved

The psychology behind polarization

When two people are in a relationship, you begin spending more time together. It's natural for your identity to evolve as part of the relationship and relative to the relationship. 

Polarization is the result of seeing the differences between you and your partner, and then unconsciously growing further apart.

"We didn't start off that way."

When you have two people in partnership, it's virtually impossible for each person to be 'the same' across any behavior or value. You might both have believed it's important to maintain a clean home - you might have even done a great job of doing that independently - then you're in a partnership and years down the road, there's one person who feels like they're always cleaning and one person who feels like "it's not that big of a deal". But if you had met this couple at the start, they may have started off in a more similar place.

Polarization is the accretion of micro decisions to do or not to do an action, often relative to your partner. You clean, so I don't need to clean. You spend, so I save. You trust everybody, so I trust people less. And when you talk to couples, they often don't want to be where they end up.

Why it leads to divide-and-conquer in love and money

Even when it comes to fairly universally taught skills like driving, it's normal for one partner to end up the "driver" more often than the other... maybe they like it more, they're better, or they're less busy.

Now take two people and add in the complexity of living in a society where we were taught geometry instead of how to manage money or invest. And the natural reality that gender differences lead to different conditioning and encouragement around math vs. art, and saving vs. investing. It means that there's commonly an even greater imbalance (often gender based) in the skills and comfort level around managing money. 

The issue isn't how it starts, it's how it often plays out when partners are making subconscious microdecisions that reinforce and magnify this. It often starts innocently enough: you have two people who may have managed their own money but one enjoys reading financial news a bit more, and the other feels more anxious when it comes to money. Without intending it, the person who is more anxious retreats from financial conversations, and the person who enjoys finance more finds themself bearing the growing load of managing their money. 

Moreover, this polarization can prevent open communication and reinforce old patterns of nonconfrontation. Often learned behaviors from childhood, such as avoiding difficult conversations or taking on blame to keep the peace, can make this dynamic worse.

The person who could benefit most from learning more actually learns less than if they were on their own, and the person who may have only been a bit more curious about stocks suddenly finds themselves navigating the swamp of budgeting, taxes, investing, wills, estates, and insurance without an equal partner to share the load of making decisions about their future.

The accidental power dynamics it creates

In the working world, you'll often hear how important it is to empower team members to make great decisions. In order to do that, they need the same set of information. If they don't have the same information, then they probably won't be an effective decision maker on the team. 

Imagine this... "Let's make a decision on whether we should expand operations to this other region."

And imagine if one team member had no idea what any of the numbers looked like how much money the company had, what the opportunity was worth, and how that compared to the revenue they already had. Would they feel they had a voice in the decision? Would you trust their voice in the decision?

"When one partner controls the money, it can create a subtle, and sometimes not so subtle, imbalance of power in the relationship." Esther Perel

A power dynamic in a relationship refers to the way power is distributed between partners. It involves who makes decisions, controls resources, and ultimately holds more influence. It may not be the result of an intentional manipulation to create a power dynamic, but can be created entirely accidentally and even out of love. When power is unevenly distributed, it can create feelings of inequality, dependence, and sometimes resentment. 

When one partner takes the reins of financial decisions without the other staying involved, it can unintentionally create a dynamic of dependency and control. This kind of “divide and conquer” strategy often starts with the best intentions. However, over time, the result can be that the less-involved partner becomes increasingly disconnected and reliant, inadvertently shifting the balance of power. 

Eventually, it's not possible for them to reason about decisions, because they don't know any of the numbers. They don't have the same information. And the worst part? Like with any other skill in life: if you don't use it, you tend to lose both the skill and confidence.

The consequences over time for couples

Here are the two D words that are uncomfortable to think about. But they happen.

Death. Divorce.

What if something currently unthinkable, happened? Or what if there's an emergency?

I didn't know how much we had. I didn't know where our accounts were. I don't know how much we spent or what it means to be invested. I didn't know how to pay for the kids' summer camp. It took me years to find the accounts after going through email inboxes and mail we had lying around the house.

When 1 partner doesn't stay involved, they miss out on learning skills like budgeting, understanding financial goals, and making informed financial decisions. And if they unexpectedly find themselves in a position where it becomes important, it can be overwhelming to suddenly climb that mountain under pressure.

How to break the cycle

You've already taken the first step by bringing awareness to the possibility of polarization. 

Break the cycle. Stay involved. Get in the car and at minimum, be a passenger.

It's ok to still divide and conquer and not both be 'equal drivers'. But it's important to stay involved and be aware of what's going on. Bringing a learner's mindset to looking at numbers together can help make it more comfortable. And like with any new skill, setting a regular schedule is important.

What to look at on 'money dates':

• Where are we: what are our account balances, for anything that's shared and isn't private 

• What happened: how much did we spend? save? invest? Note - saving is not investing.

• How are we doing: what progress did we make towards our goals together?

If you want an easy place to do this all automatically, Plenty was built for this. We’ll do the heavy lifting to give you 1 place to look, so you can save time for things you enjoy doing together more.

The benefits of staying involved

UBS surveyed thousands of couples in their Own your worth study. When both couples stay involved, couples are:

• 94% more confident about your future.

• 93% less likely to make mistakes.

• 91% less stressed about money.

In a world where money is becoming the leading cause of divorce, there are few things that may be as important as growing with each other in how to manage money. 

Sources

Liester, Mitchell. "The Problems With Polarization." Psychology Today, 1 Apr. 2024, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-leading-edge/202403/the-problems-with-polarization#:~:text=Interpersonal%20polarization%20occurs%20when%20an,are%20different%20from%20our%20own.

Weiss, Avrum. "Breaking Out of Old Habits in Your Relationship." Psychology Today, 13 Oct. 2023, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/from-fear-to-intimacy/202310/breaking-out-of-polarized-roles-in-your-relationship.

Saavedra, Maria. "How to Navigate Your Relationship through Polarization." Good Therapy, 16 Sep. 2015, www.goodtherapy.org/blog/navigate-your-relationship-through-polarization-0916154.

Smith, Laura, et al. "Polarization is the psychological foundation of collective engagement." Communications Psychology, ed. 2, vol. 41, 6 May 2024, Nature, www.doi.org/10.1038/s44271-024-00089-2.

About Plenty

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