Keeping money private, like 85% of couples

We surveyed 160 couples between the ages of 25 - 40 years old to learn how they manage money with a partner. Surprisingly, even couples who view all of their money as “theirs together” still had private accounts and credit cards. This was consistent across newlyweds all the way up to couples married for 10+ years.

85% keep it private. Even if it’s “all ours”.

When we started Plenty, we’d heard how critical it was for couples to feel this seemingly paradoxical reality of togetherness and independence. And we designed our sharing functionality explicitly around that, including the ability to share whatever accounts you’d like (and keep others private). Because we saw a new norm evolving:

It’s normal to keep it private.

In today’s blog post, we cover:

• Why are private accounts the new norm?

• How to implement private accounts in a healthy way

• Should we still use a joint account?

• How to talk to your partner about keeping private accounts?

• When are private accounts unhealthy for a relationship?

Why are private accounts the new norm?

In a world where most couples have each built their own careers, it’s normal to get used to a level of financial independence. For most of your adulthood, you haven’t needed to ask for permission to make a purchase or decision. 

“I work hard and I like to spend my money without asking for permission.”

“I really like buying coffee everyday. It sets me up for my day and I don’t want them to judge me for it.”

“I like to have some side money to invest with, but I’d probably freak them out if they saw what I did. I’m not irresponsible, it’s just a bit of money for fun.”

Navigating money with a partner can feel like a sudden shift in power and control. Suddenly, there’s another voice. Even if they don’t have actual power to tell you what to do, even a surprised, “oh! You bought that?” in an incredulous tone can feel like a judgement that is uncomfortable (and both new and unwelcome). 

You’re suddenly exposed and maybe feel a maelstrom of shame, hurt, and defensiveness. Then you push back “well it’s my money”. Maybe that’s not how you respond (but it’s certainly how I used to).

In the financial therapy world, there’s an often repeated adage that it’s important to have a: Yours || Mine || Ours. After interviewing over a dozen top financial + couples therapists, one piece of wisdom was clear.

100% visibility + ours does not lead to 100% happiness.

The reasoning is this: if you view it all as yours, then it’s important to both have a say. But… do you actually want a say over 100% of the decisions? And do you want your partner to have a say over 100% of the decisions? 

Would you be happier with < 100%... anything between 1 - 99%? This approach can reduce the pressure to perfectly align on the exact way you each spend/save/invest your money. And this approach captures that even though you’re happily together, you’re still two independent adults who can make their own decisions.

How to implement private accounts in a healthy way

Having private accounts doesn’t have to mean that you’re hiding or lying in your relationship. In our surveyed couples, many couples shared visibility of nearly all of their accounts but had an open conversation about what the private accounts are for and how they thought about funding those accounts. For couples with private accounts, 85% of surveyed couples had an explicit “allowance”. 

On a per month basis, a common approach is splitting up what’s left over after expenses and goals.

Combined Paycheck $7k

Rent - $2k

Living expenses - $2k

Buy a house goal - $2k

—————————————————

Leftover $1k

Allowance per person $500 / month

Once you have this set up, we built Plenty to make it effortless to easily flip between two dashboard views so you can see “what’s ours” and “what’s mine”. Private accounts are only visible to you in your “what’s mine” view.

Should we still use a joint account?

As couples get married later than ever, private accounts can be an effective tool to make it less scary to start using a joint account. For many couples we’ve met at Plenty, it’s a big step to start merging finances. It can be even harder when you’re used to a level of independence in being able to decide how you spend and invest your own money. The discomfort is a natural part of navigating the new “we”-dom of partnership, but it’s possible to make it easier.

“I don’t want them to see what I bought.”

“They spend so much on coffee. But… I guess I just bought a purse.”

“I like to have some side money to invest with, but I’d probably freak them out if they saw what I did. I’m not irresponsible, it’s just a bit of money for fun.”

In recent years, a number of research papers have focused on how there’s a link between happier marriages and using joint accounts. It helps cultivate a sense of “we” and can be a powerful step towards encouraging regular conversations about money as a team (which we love)! But maybe, it’s possible to have your cake and eat it too: try out a joint account, but have an open conversation about what’s important to each of you to maintain independence around, then have that money in your own private account. 

Over time, we’ve seen couples make private accounts visible to their partner once they’ve had a chance to get used to managing money all together… that’s normal! What worked before may not work, especially when there are new changes in life like getting married, having kids, or buying a house.

How to talk to your partner about keeping private accounts

Talking about wanting to keep some accounts private can be uncomfortable, especially if your partner would like to fully merge your finances (normally, because that’s what they saw modeled by their parents).

Here are a few things you can say to make the conversation easier:

• It’s important to me to build our future together. It’s also important for me to feel independent. What if we…

• This helps me feel more secure…

• For this next chapter…

When are private accounts unhealthy for a relationship?

Private accounts are not always the right answer - and like with anything in a relationship: once there is lying or intentional deceit, that’s unhealthy. 

Open communication about the norms for how you intend to approach privacy: that could be not disclosing account balances, or credit card transactions, or sharing balances but not sharing investment trades… each couple should decide what’s right for their relationship. And there's no one-size-fits-all from couple to couple.

In conclusion,

By taking the time to discuss and clearly define how you think about money in your relationship, it can simultaneously foster a sense of togetherness and independence. Every couple is different in what's right for each person or their relationship; what's important is that you both feel comfortable and secure with the setup you've created. 

Sources

Rosenthal, Kristin. "The Big Advantage of We vs Me in Relationships." Mount Vernon Family Therapy Associates, 15 Apr. 2015, www.mountvernontherapy.com/we-ness-putting-relationship-first/#:~:text=Saying%20we%20vs%20me%20in,and%20wellbeing%2C%20found%20this%20study.

Ayshford, Emily. "One Key to a Happy Marriage? A Joint Bank Account." Kellogg Insight, 9 May 2023, www.insight.kellogg.northwestern.edu/article/key-to-happy-marriage-joint-bank-account.

Fried, Carla. "Joint Bank Accounts Make for Happier Couples." UCLA Anderson Review, 6 Feb. 2019, www.anderson-review.ucla.edu/joint-bank-account.

"Personal Finance for Couples: Managing Joint Finances." Department of Financial Protection & Innovation, 17 Aug. 2023, www.dfpi.ca.gov/2023/08/15/personal-finance-for-couples.

About Plenty

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