3 reasons to consider a prenup (and why we got one)

We've all heard the word: prenup. And for many, the word comes with baggage that looks like an image of a much older and wealthier man, and a younger woman. For a long time, "prenups" were thrown around in conversations about the wealthy or tabloids about celebrities.

Back in our parent's generation, that stigma made more sense. For the adults of the 70's and 80's, most couples got married in their early 20's, had few if any assets, stayed in their home state, and carried forward a belief that marriage would last. As a marriage, they faced a strong patriarchal reality and expectation around becoming a single-income household / stay-at-home mom dynamic with a default around all finances being fully joint as a result. With that context, prenups often didn't seem to make sense.

But today's adults are getting married later than ever and have often juggled both careers, and finances for years before marriage. In 1965, the average female got married at 21 years old and the average male at 23 years old. In recent years, this has jumped up to 27 years old for females and 30 for males. With a third of this generation growing up with single / divorced parents, it's no wonder that love comes with a dose of pragmatism. While single income dynamics were once normal, 80% of today's couples both currently and intend to continue working: re-establishing an inherent dynamic of financial independence and codependence that didn't once exist. As these shifts happened, prenups start to make a lot more sense.

In today's blog post, we're going to cover:

• How common prenups are becoming?

• 3 reasons to consider a prenup (and why we got one)

• 3 ways prenups can strengthen your relationship

How common are prenups becoming

In 1965, the average female got married at 21 and male at 23 years old. Nowadays, it's closer to 27 for females and 30 years old for me. Newlyweds today have juggled growing their own careers and managing their own money new for years before marriage.

As more than 80% of today's couples both work with expectations of continuing to work for years to come, there's a greater financial independence that's baked into the foundation of each marriage. Layer on top a reality that a third of today's adults grew up with single / divorced parents, the 'norms' that once worked are naturally being questioned.

Just last year, the Harris Poll found that over 50% of adults were open to considering a prenup. And while more adults are open to considering a prenup, a poll of recently married adults found that the number of prenups signed grew more slowly, growing from 3% of married couples in 2010 to 15% in 2022.

3 reasons to consider a prenup (and why we got one)

We got a prenup.

We're romantics who believe deeply in two contradictory ideas: 1) relationships take work and 2) we were meant to meet each other. We talk about growing old together, and what it would feel like to look at the generations of family that we've built and will leave behind. And we still got a prenup, with no less love and optimism for the future.

Here are the three reasons we both wanted a prenup.

1) Where you get married determines the rules that govern a divorce

I've moved to different coasts, cities, states, and countries. My husband's also moved cities, coasts, and countries before. In 2022 alone, 25% of millennials moved to a different city. A move brings new beginnings and opportunities, and with it... also potentially new laws. 

In community property states, the laws say that most of the assets you acquire during your marriage are divided equally. This straightforward model can help reduce conflicts by ensuring both partners receive an equal share of money / assets earned during a marriage. These states are: Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisian, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington and Wisconsin.

Outside of a community property state, the laws governing property division in the event of a divorce fall under "equitable" distribution. In these states, the division of assets and debts doesn't follow a strict 50-50 rule. Instead, a judge will determine what is fair and equitable based on various factors such as each spouse's financial contribution, the length of the marriage, and the future earning potential of both parties. "Equitable" does not necessarily mean "equal," and that often leads to lengthy (and expensive) legal battles for couples. 

So by signing your marriage license in one state vs. another, you could be leaving the potential rules applied to your marriage up to chance.

A prenup meant that we created our own rules, instead of just accidentally fall into somebody else's rules. 

2) It's not for us, it's for our future kids.

If there was a point when we decided we weren't right for each other anymore, we didn't want to wait until things hurt to then try to decide what's "fair". As much as a faster conclusion might be healthier for us, we both deeply believed that it was the responsible thing we needed to do because we knew we wanted kids.

The legal battles and 'lost years' of being in limbo are destructive and hard. The potential blast radius for kids witnessing parents in antagonistic battles often magnify the devastation. And as much as we knew we wanted a future together, we also kenew that we owed it to ourkids to be responsible - especially while we were both in a place of love and optimism.

3) It doesn't have to be you+lawyer vs. me+lawyer.

I promised my #1 recommendation for couples getting a prenup. Don't do what lawyers tell you to do and each hire a lawyer that faces off. We didn't want the legal fees to add up as our lawyers went on attack / defense. Instead, we took a non traditional approach to prenups and hired three lawyers:

We hired 1 lawyer together to co-draft the entire agreement with the two of us. 

We chatted through the major topics and in many ways, it felt like having a supportive coach who als knew what "was normal for other couples". Then, we each hired a lawyer for a quick review to make it official.

The kicker? It felt better and was far cheaper.

3 ways prenups can strengthen your relationship

You actually talk about the money 

To make a prenup binding, you must fully disclose all of your financial details with each other: how much you each have and where, how much you each owe and where... hopefully, it's not the first time you've had these conversations.

But even after couples talk about their finances, the exact puzzle pieces can still surprise each partner. A prenup can be a structured way to walk through what you each have, and talk about what you consider "yours together" after you get married. That way, nobody is surprised and you start feeling clear going into the start of your marriage.

You also talk about the future

What if we have kids? What if I stay at home? What if you stay at home? What happens as one of ours / both of our incomes start to grow over time? 

By the time you're getting married, you've probably shared and co-created lots of dreams for your future together. But creating space to talk about the "what if" questions, before you experience it, can we be a powerful bonding opportunity. And better yet, talking about the future may subtly or overtly help one or both of you realize some changes that may be needed for either your dreams or steps you may want to take. 

"The beauty of a relationship lies not just in dreaming about the future together, but in actively building that future side by side."

You create a system to build your (financial) futures together

As part of creating a prenup, you talk explicitly about what you each keep as personal funds and what becomes shared / joint funds. You'll review all the things you have going into a marriage, then talk about the new things you build during marriage.

Couples who get prenups often create a clear blueprint for where to put their paychecks, pay expense, put savings, and what is 'shared' vs. 'personal'. When couples don't create this, then often stay in limbo longer - sometimes maintaining tedious spreadsheets / splitwise + venmo patterns years into a marriage instead of settings things up at the beginning. Not only is it potentially a headache, it may easily be a headache that doesn't make much sense legally.

In conclusion...

There are moments in relationships and marriage, that can feel easy and effortless. Then, there are other moments that feel like a slow slog and climb up the mountain. But standing at the top of the mountain together, may be one of those moments your remember for the rest of your life.

It's not easy to talk about money - and conversations about prenups are normally uncomfortable. But like two hikers trekking up a mountain together, it may also be the conversation that makes sure you both have all the right tools and a plan for how to get to the summit. 

Sources

Allgood, Meredith. "The Millennial Marriage Approach: Getting a Prenup." The New York Times, July 6, 2018. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/06/smarter-living/millennial-prenup-weddings-money.html.

Reilly, Elena Burnett, and Malaka Gharib. "Prenups Aren't Just for the Rich and Famous: Here's When to Consider One." NPR, August 30, 2023. https://www.npr.org/2023/08/30/1196872794/prenups-arent-just-for-the-rich-and-famous-heres-when-to-consider-one.

Cutler, Emma. "Why You Probably Shouldn’t Get a Prenup." The Cut. Accessed September 24, 2023. https://www.thecut.com/article/why-you-probably-shouldnt-get-prenup.html.

Pandey, Erica. "Prenup Rates on the Rise Among U.S. Marriages." Axios, September 24, 2023. https://www.axios.com/2023/09/24/prenup-rates-us-marriage.

Kasia, Lyle. "Prenups Aren’t Just for Rich People Anymore." The New Yorker. Accessed September 24, 2023. https://www.newyorker.com/news/us-journal/prenups-arent-just-for-rich-people-anymore.

Parker, Kim. "How Millennials Compare with Their Grandparents." Pew Research Center, March 16, 2018. https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2018/03/16/how-millennials-compare-with-their-grandparents/.

Craven, Jasper. "More Americans Are Signing Prenups." Newsweek, September 24, 2023. https://www.newsweek.com/more-americans-are-signing-prenups-1838768.

LegalZoom. "The Ins and Outs of Community Property Law." LegalZoom. Accessed September 24, 2023. https://www.legalzoom.com/articles/the-ins-and-outs-of-community-property-law.

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