What we wish we knew earlier about setting financial goals as a couple

The first time my husband and I started setting financial goals together, I felt equal amounts of excitement and nervousness. We didn’t quite know where to start, and it felt new and uncomfortable to be this vulnerable. It felt like I was relinquishing an independence I hadn’t even realized I so valued, and while I was excited for this next chapter…. It was still new.

In today’s post, I shared the things we had known earlier about setting goals as a couple. We learned through many bumps and scrapes and tried many different approaches, but the steps below are what we’ve found work best.

The key steps involve:

1. Reflecting independently, then sharing 

2. Learning how to visualize together

3. Reminding ourselves of our goals

4. Measuring our progress

5. Celebrating along the way

The reframe moment

I still remember the moment Channing asked, “what if we treated this like planning a trip?”

We love traveling. And we love traveling together: it brings out the best of our curiosity, adventurousness, openness to new connections and spontaneity. And we’re often reminded of how similar and different we are, based on the things that draw each of our attention. 

When we travel, we run into bumps. And we also embrace that the bumps are just part of the trip. It’s not always easy to maintain that in everyday life - especially when things are stressful, we’re tired, we’re juggling family and friends or varying sleep deprivation. 

But what if we treated planning our financial life, like planning a trip together? One where we’re both excited and engaged. We each have our own things we like to research (I’m the foodie, he’s the transportation navigator), and it all comes together in a trip we both love.

Starting separately, then coming back together

Now when we set financial goals (or frankly, make any big decisions as a couple), we start off with brainstorming a set of questions, then spending some capped time independently thinking about it. 

Some examples of questions:

• What do we want life to look like in 3 years?

• What do we want to have achieved, financially?

• What does financial security mean to us, in 3 years?

• What big purchases or expenses do we think we’ll have or want to have?

• Is there a financial goal that’s important to me, independently? 

• 
  

We then set a timeline: sometimes, it’s spending 30-60 minutes sharing a space journaling. Other times, one of us may go for a walk while the other one mulls on it at home. Either way, we begin to start forming our own thoughts then we come back together to share.

Ground in curiosity

Sharing can be hard: sometimes, the conversation is triggering to one partner, while the other partner feels overly exposed and vulnerable. Perhaps it brings up old fights, triggers defensiveness or feels like blame. 

We’ve found that the most productive conversations have been when we require any responses while sharing, to be only formed in questions. To understand each other more. Why is that important to you? Are there fears beneath that? Are there dreams beyond that? Where does this desire come from? How did your childhood influence this?

Learning how to visualize together

After each sharing, we work on a shared vision of the future. And we try to describe and document it, so we know what we’re working towards. For example, we may have a goal of buying a house:

• What does it feel like to walk into our home?

• What does a Friday evening look like when we’re at home?

• Are there some smells that make us feel like we’re at home?

• What does the house look like? 

• What does the surrounding look like?

The power of visualization is a technique often used by athletes to help bring focus and intentionality to what they’re trying to achieve. We’ve found that putting the upfront effort into visualizing what we want, helps us stay on track together. To learn the psychology behind visualization, we’ve found this article helpful.

Keeping our goal front and center

Whenever we’re aligned on a goal and not reminded ourselves of it, we’ve usually forgotten it. Now, we try to remind ourselves of what we’re working towards: this can be in a spreadsheet, in a sticky note on our calendar, in home screensaver… the key is to remind ourselves of the reward of putting in the effort (because it’s not always easy).

Keeping physical reminders of our goals around help us maintain momentum: less in the moments when we’re energized, and more so when we’re tired and most likely to stray. Like that sticky note reminder of our savings goal for the month over the fridge, for that moment when we wonder if it’s easier to order delivery after a long day.

How to measure our goal progress

Whether it’s in Plenty, a spreadsheet, or perhaps a piece of paper taped onto your fridge, measurement matters.

When we built Plenty’s investment features and made it possible to create goals, our focus was on making it easier for couples to set and reach financial goals together. Being able to easily see that we’re 10% further along in our goal was motivating and helped us keep going. Being able to measure progress (or see if we’re falling behind), gave us a starting place to understand how we’re doing and if we need to do anything differently.

It made it possible to feel like we’re on a team. And we share a place we can go to, toknow how we’re doing.

Learning how to celebrate

Researchers have found that it’s more important to celebrate the earlier wins to help maintain momentum. Celebrating reaching 10% or 25% has been correlated to increasing the probability that you keep going, more than celebrating reaching 75% or 90%. 

And celebration matters: recognizing each other and the effort you’ve put in together makes that achievement just that much sweeter. So just as important as planning our goals, we set future “treats or trophies” for ourselves. Perhaps it’s cracking open that special bottle of wine when we get to 25% of this goal. Or it’s going out dancing at this other milestone. 

It’s a saying that’s so often used, it’s nearly overdone…. But I certainly believe there’s a lot of truth to: the journey is the destination.

Source

Russell, Mellissa. "Why Celebrating Small Wins Matters." Harvard Summer School, 30 May 2024, www.summer.harvard.edu/blog/why-celebrating-small-wins-matters/.

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